A few years ago, I was sitting in a beautiful executive office in Portland, high above the city, in a meeting with the CTO, CEO, CFO, and the rest of the leadership team. We were reviewing project budgets and approvals. On paper, it was everything I’d worked for. The view was incredible- one of those moments where you’re supposed to feel proud, maybe even a little bit in awe of how far I’ve come.

But as I looked at the Portland skyline, I felt… off. My heart was pounding. I couldn’t focus. Instead of feeling calm or accomplished, I felt uneasy and disconnected. I kept thinking, “Why do I feel this way? Shouldn’t this be a moment I enjoy?”

After the meeting, I didn’t say a word to anyone. I just quietly grabbed my keys, got in my car, and drove straight to the emergency room. My heart was racing so fast, I honestly thought something was seriously wrong. It was scary. They checked me in, ran all the tests, and kept me under observation for hours.

Finally, a doctor came in, sat down, and said, “I believe you are possibly in a state of depression.” I was stunned. I didn’t even know what to say. Depressed? Me? I thought depression looked different. I thought it was something other people dealt with- people who couldn’t get out of bed and were visibly struggling. I was still showing up, performing, and “doing all the things.” But there it was.

The doctor handed me a list of providers who took my insurance and told me to make an appointment as soon as possible. That afternoon, I started calling around. I was lucky- I found a doctor who could see me first thing in the morning. She’d just come back from a medical camp in Africa and, honestly, her calmness was almost unsettling at first. She spent two hours (totally unheard of) just listening to me, asking questions, and taking notes.

Finally she said, “You’re severely depressed. I’m honestly surprised you came in on your own.” I was surprised, too. I didn’t even know what I was dealing with-I just knew something wasn’t right.

So, I did something completely foreign: I put myself first. I took a leave from work. I called my mom, my sister, and my college friend. My mom asked me to come visit, and I did. Then I went and visited my sister for a week. But even surrounded by family, I realized something was totally off and I wasn’t being myself. I went back to Portland, continued taking my meds, and then COVID hit. Suddenly, I was isolated and getting into a worse state. I didn’t see a purpose to keep going, or what value was I actually adding to the world?

A few months later, still taking my meds, I decided I needed a real change. I packed up and drove back to Arizona. And, honestly, within a day of being back in the sun, I started to feel purposeful again. After about a month, I stopped remembering to take my meds and started to feel normal. It was a reminder that sometimes, your environment matters just as much as anything else. But most importantly, I listened to myself and got help.

How Culture and Values Play a Role

Looking back, I realize now how much a company's culture and values shape not just our work but our well-being. In that executive office in Portland, I was surrounded by impressive titles and ambitious goals, but something was missing—a sense that mental health and personal values actually mattered. The focus was always on performance, achievement, and pushing through, but rarely on pausing to ask, “How are you, really?” or “Is this way of working sustainable for you?”.

Company values aren’t just words on a wall- they set the tone for everything. When a company truly values well-being, it shows up in how people treat each other, in the boundaries that are respected, and in whether leaders model self-care and vulnerability. But when mental health is ignored or seen as secondary to results, it creates a culture where people feel like they can’t speak up or ask for help. That’s exactly what happened to me- I kept my struggles to myself, thinking I just needed to tough it out, because that’s what the culture seemed to expect.

It’s easy to overlook how much misalignment between personal values and company culture can wear you down. When you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself or constantly push past your limits, it takes a toll, sometimes in ways you don’t even recognize until your body forces you to stop. I wish I’d been in an environment where it was okay to say, “I’m not okay,” and leaders talked openly about their challenges. That kind of openness and support can make all the difference.

If you’re reading this and feeling that disconnect, ask yourself:

• Do I feel safe being honest about my mental health, or do I feel pressure to hide it?
• Is there room for self-care, or is it all about performance at any cost?

A healthy workplace culture doesn’t just happen- it’s built daily through the choices leaders make and the behaviors they model. If you’re able to influence your company’s culture, I hope you’ll remember that valuing mental health isn’t just good for people- it’s also good for business. And if you’re struggling, know that you’re not alone, and it’s okay to put yourself first.

I’m still dealing with my struggles off and on, but I have decided to be open and honest about it and check in with myself regularly!

Some Questions I Wish I’d Asked Myself Sooner

• Am I okay, or am I just going through the motions?
• Am I ignoring physical symptoms that might be my body’s way of waving a red flag?
• Am I putting everyone and everything else ahead of my well-being?

Take care of yourself-you’re worth it.